So I’m reading these excerpts on networking. I had a very interesting conversation with one of the headhunters I called today—I again got the ball rolling in that department. I’m not sure I should wait much longer and hope Doug succeeds in his political gamble. But that’s for another time. one of the patent lawyer recruiter was this talkative (but in a friendly way) 74-year old man. He was telling me that perhaps the best type of job was one where you worked for yourself—that way, you never had to worry about getting old and being fired. (I had a meeting with a former employee today, an older-50is manager that was RIF’d. he’s in a tough position going forward. What type of job is he going to land at this late period in his career?)
For lawyers, it means hanging a shingle or having your own clients. As long as you have a cadre of them at your disposal—his theory goes—you can dictate the terms of your employment, be it self or law firm. I then went to a few book stores and the Internet to look up some books on networking, since that’s part of the “secret” of working for oneself.
(I got a writing cramp and went looking for a better way to grip the pen. I don’t think I’ve found it yet.)
Anyway—I swear I have A.D.D.—I’m not sold on this networking. I want to say it’s because I don’t like talking to people, but I’m not sure if that’s true. I love conversations: real ones. Maybe my problems relate more to fears of getting to know strangers more than hatred of small talk. I don’t know which is better of I should just—blah, I’m off.
What a day. Doug was finally terminated this morning. I’m not terribly surprised, but management could have done a better job of it. No matter. I’m of mixed feelings here. On the one hand, I respect Doug. He’s a great intellect; a brilliant attorney; and a fun person to work with. On the other hand (and this hand is huge and part of the reason he was finally let go), he’s aggressive and stubborn to the point of stupidity. He could have pulled back at any moment and taken a less aggressive approach. But that’s not him. He pushes and pushes, sometimes just to see its effect on other people, and when the shit finally hit the fan (to use a cliché), he had too few friends and too many well-connected haters. It’s a shame. He did the company well during his time here, even if he spent most of his time fucking around (at least in WesternGeco; during his previous five years he worked his ass off. How quickly they forget).
So where does that leave me? They offered me Doug’s job (at least a semblance of it). The catch: I need to move to Oslo to take the job. I’m not against the move, but it worries me. It worries me more than I’ll probably admit. But I don’t want to go through those reasons right now. I want to relax. Smile. And have a wonderful weekend with Julie. I’ll sit back and wrute something less controversial. Something relaxing that’ll help me prepare for a fun weekend. Fun. And relaxing.
Of course, I had another thought today. What if I give up on this whole corporate job and instead take a law firm job prosecuting patents from 9 to 5. I’d take a cut in prestige, but I would make more money and I could live where I wanted. The question is: which is more important for you and more importantly, why. I’d like to move to CA, but I’d also like to return to NYC. I’m not even sure how to weigh the pros and cons here. It’s only my future I’m thinking about. I’m also pushing thirty. I’m not sure how that plays into the equation. I don’t know which is more important to me at this stage in my life. It’s confusing to say the least. And there’s also this pretend writing that you’ve been trying to accomplish. How do you think that’s going to go? Are you even spending enough time with it. As Nicole would say, these are all good questions.
The way I see it, you’re going to have to come up with some answers soon. You’re going to have to weigh everything and make up your mind and go with it. I’m leaning toward Oslo, as I stated before. The power is what is driving me on. My job would be more interesting with that power. It would keep me busy and perhaps happy. New experiences, such as those found by living in a foreign country, can only help me grow as a person. My real concerns: darkness and depression—this is a serious concern for me. Tied closely in with that is the friends and families (and I’m not talking about the long distance plans). As I’ve showed adequately by my brief stay in Houston, I’ve not made much in the way of friends here. I don’t know if that’s going to change when (and if!) I move to Oslo, but if it does, it’s going to be very lonely. Before Julie, Houston was approaching unbearable. What would Norway be? Of course, I also don’t want to be scared of trying new things. I want to grow as a person and experience different things. I don’t want to look back and as a lot of what-ifs. Those are questions I would not be able to handle.
Damn, airplanes are scaring me again. I hate when I go through these types of periods. I think the rough turbulence on my way here put that idea into my head. Now it sits there, fermenting, and waiting for a strange movement or sound to raise the bile in my throat. Joy.
Money is also playing a role. I stress about it, but I like having money. Erik’s house is nice. That’s the type of purchase I think I would enjoy at some point in my life. I was thinking my first house would be an apartment in NYC. I’m not so sure anymore. I wish I had someone to talk about with these things. I guess Shannon would be the best person to talk to. He has no ulterior motives, unlike my mother or sisters.
This has been an interesting few weeks. Together with the Oslo job offer, I’ve been reconsidering my life. Today is Yom Kippur, and I’ve taken the day off to do additional contemplation. I have a few choices in front of me, and I’m trying to determine what, if anything, I should be doing with my life to make myself happier.
As a side note, should happiness be the measure you use to make your decision? As you’ve read in a few articles happiness is not a good measurement because it is a terribly relevant calculation. There is no empirical happiness. Something may make you happier for a short time and then fall into background noise. You have to be careful. This is generalized by the cliché, “The grass is always greener in the neighbor’s yard.” In your calculations, you need to keep this in mind. The right answer doesn’t, perhaps, maximize happiness. It maximizes purpose. The goal being, when you look back, you’ll feel like you’ve accomplished something that is important to you. That reflection would increase happiness regardless of how you feel about what it is you’re actually doing. Or something like that.
That was a bit off topic. So will this be: I’ve given up computer games thanks to a rather insightful discussion I had a while ago with my yellow pad about its meaning to me. I’ve done it before, but I think it’s time to do it again: this time, I need to give up television. I pretend like I learn a lot from television, but for the most part, I don’t. You can apply this to everything you do, even reading. Let’s focus on a comparison between reading and television watching. Out of the two, the NY Times magazine articles clearly teach me more about the world than any show on television. The same can be said about Scientific America versus the Discovery channel. Perhaps the only channel that I receive benefit from is FoodTV when it comes to learning. When it comes to entertainment, there’s certainly a difference. Television (and to a lesser extent) literature can move me—make me feel emotions, which I like. And both can certainly pass the time. As I learned by trying to listen to music, passing time is not the same as enjoying time.
So what is it that television is giving you besides killing time? Not much. Even the entertainment shows equate to killing time. The numbers of discussions about television I have with other people are not substantial. I have interesting conversations with Eileen about them, but I can find other things to discuss with her besides television. The only thing keeping from the ultimate decision is figuring out what I’m going to do with the rest of my free time. That was my problem yesterday night. I was sitting around trying to determine what I can do besides watch television. And, not surprisingly, I found nothing to do. I ended up at the same place: having nothing to do so I turned on the television. That’s what I’m trying (unsuccessfully) to avoid.
So boredom, or ennui to use a GRE word, is what’s keeping me scotch taped to the tube. I could think and write instead of watch television. What would I write or think about? Great question. It’s a habit you should get into. Or you can even work instead of watch television. Television is the same as music and video games: you use it to kill time. But time is too precious to kill. It’s not something you be wasting. Every second should be valuable. I’m not sure what it should be valuable for, but it seems important. You should be either increasing your knowledge or generating a product during your time. What about entertainment? That entertains you. A product might be improving yourself, e.g., going to the gym. So where does that leave you with television? What about movies and sports? Neither is useful.
I should be reading and recording my thoughts. I can use TheBrain or StickyBrain. I should be reading and recording my thoughts, becoming a better person. For what purpose is this? Entertainment purpose. This is what you enjoy. You enjoy doing things, not just sitting around. You enjoy using your brain. These are all things you can use your brain for. What about staring into space and sleeping? No reason to deny you those pleasures. It’s a good time for your brain to come up with new ideas. You should have lots of books open in front of you to different areas. You should be taking in new knowledge, increasing your store. This will give you something to do besides watch television. You will actually be doing things.
What about school? What are your feelings on school? Besides becoming a more “cultured” person, don’t you also want to actually meet new people? I ran into Tamer in Starbucks while writing this, and he told me a story of picking up girls in NYC. How many girls have you picked up there? I think one, and I did a shitty job of it. She was all over me on the train coming from upstate to the city, and what did you do? Nothing. Bullshit, crap, loser type of things. You are rather pathetic. Okay, let’s get back to reality. You can type and learn and read. What are you interested in? History? You have that big history book at home. Take it out and start working it. Why do you waste your time doing anything but what interests you? It’s really sad.
Going back to school: is that what you really want to do? I want to be more cultured. I want time to think about what it is I want to do. What better time than in school? I’m not going to have the time while working in law. Why not? Don’t you have the time now? Yes, I guess I do. But I also want to be immersed in the environment. I want to have nothing but learning and thinking. I want to think and think. What about spirituality? Sure! Why not? You’re not going to limit yourself to just what you’re studying. You have access (or will have access) to a great library. Why not take advantage of this? Write! Keep your thoughts organized. You will fall upon what you love. How can you not? It’s just not possible in the grand scheme of things.
Going to computer science is an interesting approach. But you are more of a Renaissance person (yeah right!). You should take advantage of that. You should expand your horizons, learn about lots of things. Keep track of what’s going on in the world and what has happened before. Imagine doing this every day for the rest of your life. You’d never be bored. You’d work out a system of recording knowledge and new knowledge. It’s not about the characterizing (which is something you love)—if you get stuck just doing that, then bad things will happen. You will find yourself endlessly reorganizing your old thoughts, or even worse, other people’s thoughts, but never coming up with new thoughts. That you should not do. You should keep thinking of both old and new things. If you limit yourself, you won’t be happy. Think of how happy this will make you. Why not do this? Religion? Absolutely. You’ll read books on that. And you’ll take detailed notes of topics that interest you. And besides the notes, you’ll also take notes on your thoughts. That’s where this is interesting. You want those two things to be the same. Your thoughts and others.
How are you going to do this? You’re not going to watch television. Only important news events will entertain you. Or if you’re with someone, then you can watch television. What about your taped show? Wasteful. Even Ruroni Kenshin? Even that. You know what’s going to happen. You can wait for the movie version of it.
What are you waiting for? Why not get started? I have a history book that will start. I will not watch television. I will reread some religious books, and I’m going to order some computer science books. I’m also going to finish studying for the GRE. And all will be good.
This is good stuff.
Man, I can’t wait until I can get started on this. You notice how much shorter this is than your other paragraphs. It sounds like you know what’s going on here. The question is whether you will be able to actually follow through with this plan.
Another interesting aside: I watched too many hours of Cribs, the MTV show that portrayed how “rich” people live. And, to the person, everyone had the same cars, the same interior decorations and the same toys.
And here I sit somewhere that isn’t work. And I’m happier for it. I was (am) terribly depressed today. I don’t know why. Not much different happened today, but just the thought of working or doing anything besides moping, is painful to contemplate. I can’t explain it, so I won’t even try. I just don’t want to do anything, especially anything that relates to work or school. What the fuck is wrong with me?
There’s a bible study going on next to me. Three black men, of varying age, with bibles out. I think it’s a good thing. It gives people something to talk about, some way to get into a discussion of ethics. Religion, in that way, is a positive force. It helps people relate to one another and discuss important aspects of their life.
My server is back up and running. I miss the problems and work it caused, but, like most projects, I’m happy it’s over. It’s probably because of the project, at least partly, that I am depressed. I don’t like things ending—well, I like the work ending. I like having things that occupy my mind, that give challenge me. Computer administration, for all its tedium and annoyances, at least promises a “reward” at the end. I’m not terribly interested in the reward, but the process and the striving toward the reward make it worthwhile.
Flaming red sippy cups pushing against the table and earth, pouring.
Maybe the huge dosage of caffeine yesterday before the gym has something to do with this terrible funk. I don’t really want to talk about it. I just wanted to mention it as an explanation for my…absence.
I had a dream last night that I was taking two classes that were terribly easy, but I stopped showing up to both of them. I’m at the end of the school year and I just realize I’m not going to do well. This dream, I know, is an analogy for how I feel about work. I’m apathetic. I don’t do the work that’s expected of me and instead just float through the year—never attending classes and never doing the assignments.
At the end, when Doug was at his worst, through sheer stubbornness and force of will, he placed himself (or at least told me that he placed himself) in a position to ascend to the next level in his job. This was one of the reasons he told me he felt apathetic about his job. He had expected movement and support to do the things he wanted to do—in support of his principles, whatever undecipherable devices they were—and when the finish line and achievement of promotion were close by, he couldn’t summon the will or energy to work. He ran all the way to the end of the marathon and collapsed a few feet before the finish line. He told me, when I asked him why he doesn’t just shake the apathy off and cross the line, that it’s just not that easy—that apathy (and here I’m putting words into his mouth and finishing his thoughts), apathy, like all emotions, controls the rational part of your brain and doesn’t allow good, logical ideas to take root and control your life. He was effectively fired because the apathy in the end didn’t let him crawl across the line.
My dream about not attending the two classes is the same. When I was in that hazy, waking-up period, I thought about just dropping the two classes and saving my 3.9 GPA and first ranking in school. This all refers to my job and the apathetic disease I like to imagine I caught from Doug. I just can’t do it anymore. My work habits are horrible and I keep hoping for an escape just so I can get away from the apathetic feelings. Every time I get close with a job interview, I feel that that’s it, I’ve found the lifeboat that will save me and take me to the next cruise ship. But the lifeboat keeps sinking and I’m left treading water, hoping one of the large ships sees me and throws a rope.
There’s much complaining here but not much in the way of plans. Changing jobs is a very high priority, but so is writing. Down the line, when I achieve my PPPW—pre-potential professional writer—I won’t need lifeboats anymore because I will myself be a cruise ship—and why would I sink myself (let’s not look to deeply into that one).
Make me laugh. Try the lines you spoke today. Play. Make the other person laugh at someone else’s expense. That’s what we’re after.
Why are my emotions controlled by others? What am I seeking by giving up that control? I sit and wait and wait. Nothing happens. Even if it did, would it really change anything? That is the issue I have. I don’t want my emotional state—my well-being—ruled by others. What difference where I live or what I do fro a living? Why is the anticipation so painful?
In preparation for my Seattle move (yes, it finally, finally happened), I'm temporarily moving my website from my pentium Linux server to textdrive hosting. There will be a few broken links (e.g., comments and photographs) while I fix the website. I'll let you know when everything is back to "normal."
Update: Amazingly enough, almost everything works. Please let me know if you see something broken. You'll also notice that the photos load about a million times faster--blame my DSL company.
I drew this on my last day of work before my wedding vacation. It was a tough day, probably the lowest point in my career since moving to Seattle.
We were having a high-level meeting with other people in the legal department, and I expected to debate the merits of a legal position, which I believed they had wrong. When we arrived at the meeting, they refused to touch on the legal merits. The decision had been made, and tough noogies was their argument.
Had I not been leaving on vacation the next day, I might have escalated it again. It wasn't that this was such an important decision for the company. It was more that they were not being intellectual honest with their decision. (I know I'm being vague. I don't usually talk about work happenings. I purposefully keep my two worlds separate. And, anyway, trust me, you wouldn't want to hear the details of most of my days.)
So this scary Horribles was the result. While I don't think I was wrong, I wasn't able to sway the decision makers. I guess in that way I was wrong. Live and learn, I guess.
On lighter notes, I'm almost over my cold. It came back with a vengance over the weekend. (Julie believes I purposefully get sick every weekend.) I'm hoping it stays away, as I'm tired of wearing my sick sweatshirt every night to sleep.
I sometimes have these disheartening meetings at work where I'm passionate about a position and then lose to the "we-say-so" brand of argument. When you're passionate about anything, you set yourself up for pains when your position does not prevail. This was one of those situations. (Sorry for being so cryptic--I do that too often on here.)
I really liked the pointed-headed purple guy. I have hopes that he'll become a recurring character representing all that's unknowledgeable and unfortunately powerful in the world. He's a Dilbert character at heart.
It's been a couple of days since Button's surgery, and she's on the mend. Julie is still worried about how her stitches will heal, but there's only so much inactivity these dogs can handle before going crazy. Right now, they're probably running around the couch biting each other in a wrestling match. Good for them! (That is, until all Button's stitches pop out and she has to wear that silly collar cone for fourteen days.)
A big pile of money! What could be better? Oh, yes, integrity. Don't worry, I didn't give up my integrity for the big pile of money. It just feels that way sometimes. It's my art dreams verses reality. Sometimes I get them confused as I don't truly know what's important in my life. The truth probably is that neither are important, and trying to find the meaning of importance is a fool's errand.
The dogs woke us up at 5:30am this morning. Not sure what they were barking at, but we had a rough morning. The week is drawing to a slow end with rainy nights and sunny evenings. We don't have much planned for the weekend. Hopefully that will change.
It snowed. Again. I'm working from home today as I watch the plows push the snow from my window. Did you see the snowman on top of sewcrates.com? I really should draw more headers. I'm so lazy.
This was a work doodle. I was impressed by my wound-drawing skills. I don't remember the context, but I'm sure it had something to do with getting beat up and not getting support from management. Shocking!
This has nothing to do with today's news (I'm fine for now). I was angry over something much smaller and more petty when I drew it. That's me: Mr. Petty Angry Guy.
As always, this is a timely drawing. I tell you when I go out of order, and this was the next doodle in my queue. I'm beginning to believe in the incredible psychic powers of my doodles.
Update: It occurred to me after I posted this that I did push a doodle earlier in the week to break up my negative doodles. Some may argue I had insider information about today's news. This may raise serious questions about my claims of psychic powers. I guess it all depends on what the word "argue" really means.
Another work doodle. I drew many of these while I contemplated changing positions at work. This one was after I accepted the offer. It's amazing how irreplaceable I thought I was and how quickly I was replaced. I think that's true for most people.
It's an early Sunday morning and I'm planted in the bucks of stars. I finished up some lingering work and I wanted to write. Wanting and doing have no correlation for me these days. It’s been like that since the Marathon. In previous years I would blame it on the Marathon sucking all creative juices from me. This year, however, I realized I didn’t write before or after the Marathon. It seems the Marathon did its job to at least get me to write for a month.
The threatened rain finished last night, and today was mostly sunny and somewhat warm.
I doodled this gem when I switched jobs at work. The first few weeks of the new job was quite stressful as everything was new and scary. I've since found my groove and while at times stressful, it's no longer the one ton weight depicted in the Horrible.
This was drawn awhile ago during the Borg's dreaded announcements. It was too soon to post back then. Luckily I have a long queue to protect me from the currentness of events.
Half my weekend was stolen by a late-afternoon Saturday headache caused by a trifecta: rapid change in temperature, no caffeine, and too much Naginata after too little exercise. I rebounded Sunday, thankfully. Between my headaches and our other activities, we managed to clean the dogroom floor. Now, if only we could convince the iggies not to mess it up again.
The politics of work and life. This was a productive weekend writing-wise. Not so much for doodling. I'll get back to it this week as the weather finally breaks.
The hits just keep on coming! (With a bat, that is.)
What's with the beautiful Mondays? We could have used a bit of this sunshine over the weekend.
It was a fun-filled shopping weekend. It's foggy over here, but as soon as it clears, it'll be sunny and hopefully warm.
Back to my normally scheduled queue.
As I left work yesterday, the warm rain smelled of Spring. I want to thank Winter this year. She has been quite mild.
A beautiful weekend followed by a too-soon Monday. I dropped Julie off at the airport for a visit to Dallas. Three whole days alone. Very the scary.
